The subtleties of human conversations continue to amaze me. I always analyze human communication deeply to learn the art of connecting with someone. And in my analysis I have discovered many tools that I use to enrich my conversations.
An example of such a tool is the conversation alley-oop. A common metaphor for conversations is the game of tennis. But this only applies to zero-sum conversations, also called arguments. In both arguments and the game of tennisone must lose before the other can win.
The trick that will make everyone like you: using the conversation alley-oop
AC / Unsplash+
Before we talk about what conversation has to offer, let’s start at the beginning: You need to have more non-zero-sum conversations. These are the types of conversations where every individual can gain something.
An example of this is a date night conversation with your partner. A better metaphor for non-zero-sum conversations might be basketball. All individuals in the conversation would be on the same team. Dribbling the ball would be like speaking, and passing the ball would be like asking someone a question. “Who are we playing against then?” you might ask.
Well, we’re playing against the enemies of any good conversation: loneliness, arguments, one-upmanship, etc. Now that we’ve talked about how good conversations are like a basketball game, let’s talk about the conversation alley-oop. In basketball, an alley-oop is a special type of pass in which a player throws the ball close to the basket, and a teammate catches the ball in the air and dunks it into the basket.
How to use a conversational alley-oop when talking to someone you want to like
A conversational alley-oop is a special kind of question that puts the person in front of you in a position to give a slam-dunk equivalent of an answer.
Let’s take an example. A few months ago my father and I had a conversation. And I asked him, “You had such a hard time in your twenties and thirties! How did you overcome all that and get to where you are today?”
He then told me how he had turned his life around. In excruciating detail, he told me about all the smart decisions he made and how he worked insanely hard to get where he is today. And as he told me all this, he had a smile that was too big for his face.
And in that moment I knew I had successfully performed a conversational alley-oop. “When we take an active interest in the experiences, thoughts and feelings of others, we foster deeper connections,” therapist Jennifer Uhrlass explained about alley-oops. “Asking thoughtful questions and listening attentively shows that we value the perspectives of others, which can build trust and rapport.”
Life is a series of games: you win some, you lose some. What’s important to understand is that everyone you meet has had at least a few fights in which they emerged victorious. And they want to tell these stories to the world. If you can ask someone a question that allows them to share a story that makes them feel good about themselves, you can perform a conversational alley-oop.
While I was traveling, I met a woman who was a producer of major TV shows for Indian television, and I knew this was truly a great achievement. So I asked her, “How did you get that gig?” She replied, “I worked my butt off.” It’s only clear that she felt great when she said that – just like a basketball player feels great when he executes a dunk.
Performing a conversational alley-oop is not that complicated. But it takes quite a bit of kindness, mindfulness and humility to make it happen. You have to care enough about other people to try to figure out their victories. It takes a certain amount of mindfulness and humility to know when to use this tool. and without humilityyou can’t be a good listener, which is a requirement.
This is evident from research by Harvard University that good listening means much more than being silent when someone talks; it’s about asking relevant questions and interacting consciously with the other person, essentially showing that you listened to what he or she actually said.
We all suffer in one way or another. We all feel worthless sometimes. We’re all a little lost. Reminding yourself of your past victories should be easy, but it isn’t. But if someone wants to give us an alley-oop, we’d like to perform a slam dunk.
If anyone is willing to pull out the stories where we emerged victorious, we will be happy to tell them. And as we do that, we will inevitably feel good about ourselves.
That’s why the conversation alley-oop is a tool for kindness
It’s a tool we desperately need as a society, and like anything else, practice is the key to being good at performing these alley-oops. You have to enter the repetitions.
So, how about deploying the first representative today? Go ask your parents how they overcame their struggles. Call your friend and ask him how he lost all that weight. Ask your colleague how she won all those promotions.
And then, listen carefully. Try not to share your victories. Give them this moment. After all, you created this moment just for them. Let them dunk, and you are a spectator to that dunk. I promise you’ll feel great too, because maybe it was them who executed the dunk, but it was you who helped them score one for themselves and the team.
Akshad Singi, MD, is a writer whose work has been published in Better Humans, Mind Cafe, Medium, and more.
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