Childhood consists of some of the most defining experiences of our lives. Because the developing young mind is easily influenced by the environments we grow up in, certain experiences and events can leave a lifelong impact on us.
Needless to say, experiencing loneliness during your formative years will affect you deeply in the long term, and this trauma will manifest itself in many ways in adulthood. Instagram user @igoterapi — who is not an official therapist, they are quick to clarify — shared some of the ways that childhood loneliness manifests itself in adulthood, providing feelings of promote self-awareness and self-compassion.
Here are 8 signs you grew up feeling lonely as a child and it’s affecting you as an adult:
1. You struggle with social anxiety
According to the Mayo Clinicsocial anxiety can be caused by bullying, rejection, family conflict, trauma or abuse. Additionally, if you experienced a lack of social connections during your formative years, it may be difficult for you to feel comfortable in social settings now. As a child you were forced to adapt to your isolation, so it now feels foreign to connect with others in adulthood.
2. You feel like you don’t ‘deserve a relationship’
You weren’t able to develop strong, deep connections with others as a child, which has unconsciously led you to believe that you don’t deserve meaningful relationships. Understand that it is not your fault you were subjected to such isolation at a young age.
In early childhood development, connection and community are essential. According to clinical social worker Denise K. Ambrelonely children often grow up to become adults who see themselves as “unlovable, unlovable, and unworthy of affection, and they expect rejection.”
3. If you were lonely as a child, you are often extremely independent
As a child who felt inconsolably alone, you have no choice but to rely on yourself. Being independent can be positive in many ways, but sometimes too much independence is a trauma response that can lead to intense feelings of loneliness. You may feel that you only have yourself to rely on and it is difficult for you to count on others.
4. You push others away and isolate yourself
When people enter your life, your fight-or-flight response is activated and you tend to push them away, probably out of fear of getting hurt. Dr. Amanda Hansona psychologist, took to TikTok to explain that people typically isolate themselves from others when they don’t value themselves enough.
Because they experience low self-esteem and self-love, they struggle to show themselves as their authentic selves and feel the need to “perform” and “put on so many masks.” This can become exhausting, so it feels easier to just be alone.
5. You struggle with ‘moving away from toxic patterns’ in relationships
When you find what initially looks like a loving relationship, it can be difficult to discern certain toxic patterns that can harm you. Even when you notice these patterns, you struggle to find the strength to walk away.
This is because of your anxious attachmentwhich is rooted in abandonment wounds from your childhood, according to Candace Tamaraa trauma and mindset coach.
6. If you were lonely as a child, you often have a fear of being abandoned
A fear of abandonment is not only caused by being neglected as a child, but it can also stem from being given false promises and experiencing mistrust from a young age, leading to an insecure attachment style.
This can make it difficult for you to form the healthy relationships that you want problems trusting others and assume that everyone will leave you. You may also want constant reassurance and fear intimacy, which can push others away.
7. You deal with feelings of depression through drug use, overexertion, or escapism
Those who avoid dealing with their emotions, responsibilities and anxieties distract themselves from reality with drug use, overwork and other forms of escapism such as doom scrolling through social media or going out to the club.
Some forms of escapism can lead to dangerous consequences when combined with addictive activities such as drug and alcohol use. However, there are healthier coping mechanisms associated with escapism, such as exercise, reading, meditation, dancing or gardening, which can help nourish the mind through therapeutic activities.
8. You struggle to form and maintain relationships
One of the main reasons why relationships and friendships can be difficult to maintain is because of a lack of communication. When individuals struggle to communicate their feelings, boundaries, struggles, and desires with others, the connection can “break down,” according to behavioral therapist Sabria Mills on TikTok.
Because you weren’t taught or shown the importance of healthy, connected communication, you may struggle to form strong bonds with others. Learn to foster loving self-awareness and give yourself grace for the childhood circumstances that were out of your control.
All of these behaviors are natural symptoms of experiencing childhood loneliness, and it is important to seek guidance and support from mental health professionals so that you can heal. You may already be aware of these harmful behaviors, so why is it that you feel stuck and unable to grow past them?
The reason for that is likely due to your own addiction to shame, a response that was adopted from the experiences that affected you as a child, according to therapist Flynn Skidmore. Skidmore explained that there are two types of consciousness: shameful consciousness and loving consciousness.
By learning to “take all your awareness, all your capacity for intellect and transform it into loving awareness,” you will be able to approach self-sabotaging patterns from a place of love.
Rescue yourself from the punishment you were forced to endure in your early years and reconnect with the inner child that yearns for love and connection. When you can learn to do this, you can embrace your authentic self and show yourself the love you deserve.
Being a child doesn’t have to hurt. If you suspect that a child you know is being physically or emotionally abused, contact Children’s Aid National Child Abuse Hotline for more resources at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango’s news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers topics on lifestyle, human interests and spirituality.
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